CS #1: Not a Delicate Flower Was She

The name of this woman eludes me, but I want to say it was Lily, or Rosa, some beautiful and delicate flower name that completely contradicted the true nature of her undelightful personality. I think I 'll call her Hortensia for now.

Hortensia was of Cuban descent - a robust woman built like a tank who carried herself like a general from Castro's elite army. At a glance, one could tell who truly ran the post production studio where she spent her days helping run the business owned by her son (whom I shall refer to as The Mama's Boy). She was a tough old lady, ripe with tradition and probably a little mad with power. I wouldn't be surprised if she knew how to operate a side arm - she certainly knew how to maneuver a can of hairspray. There was never a strand out of place and her bracelets hung on her thick wrists like bells on a cat, ever warning us of the clear and present danger she represented.

She was always there before me and the other girl who worked there arrived, ever vigilante of our arriving late. It would have given her another excuse to despise us. She would glide out of the back office, respectable shoes and off color nylons perfectly complimenting her rayon flowered office dress, glance at the clock and give us a "good morning" that was neither heartfelt or remotely friendly. More like "You have escaped my wrath for the moment, but the day is still young" sort of look. We would go hang our coats and pray for lunchtime to come quickly.

I knew she was unhappy person, though. On a very uncomfortable car ride to pick up lunch for some clients, she confessed to me her humble beginnings, her arranged marriage and the things she had to endure coming to America with a man she neither loved or admired. I listened with sympathy, and thought that perhaps after this bonding experience she might treat me differently and actually like me. This never happened. Shortly after, I discovered an ad in the paper in the employment section advertising my position, prompting me to quit with absolutely no notice. I knew it had been her decision, and regardless of my rapport with the clients and the various musicians I was on friendly terms with, The Mama's Boy didn't have the testicles to stand up to his mother, and so planned to let me go at some point.

And that was the last I saw of Hortensia. I know I should try and think of something good I saw in her, but it's truly difficult. Her misery was impenetrable, and she saturated the studio with her absolute need to control. But I suppose despite all of that, she wasn't a terrible person. As I said, she was just unhappy, and unhappiness can be a destructive thing in anyone's life.

Character Study Cometh

Last night I ran into my former creative writing instructor from last year quite unexpectedly. She showed up at my punk aerobics class, and we had a nice chat - she told me she still meets informally with one of the students from the class I was in, and I was welcome to workshop with them when I was ready. This got me thinking that I need to get back into writing again. I always did well in those classes, so I'm pretty confident I can return to that particular creative excercise.

So, to get things rolling, I thought I would do a series of character studies - basically a description or related story of people I have met that left a lasting impression on me in some way. The next entry will be the first of what I hope will be an engaging series of blog entries that I can also use as reference material in the future.

More to come!

Focused

I feel very on the right track currently. I think that by achieving this focus and clarity of purpose, a door to creativity opened in my mind that was previously blocked by self-doubting and fear. Now, every time I sit down with my bass, I think of something new and grooving to work on as far as a new song. And I do this blog as regularly as I can, and I always seem to have something of import to discuss (at least to me, anyway).

I really think it started with this blog - if you're a creative person, I think it's important to keep that flow happening with any kind of outlet. You know, keep the neurons firing so they don't become flabby and out of shape. Sure, it took me 36 years to discover this(oy, I'm old) but what the hell - at least I figured something out.

I am still so excited about my new solo bass project (I'm going to call the percussionist up today and see if she's interested)and also about my new business venture. I really do get fired up when I'm planning something - it's not really a platform for anal retentiveness as much as it is a creative/give some joy to myself and others sort of thing. And I've been in such a good mood about it.

Now I just have to get through the day to day yawndom of my job. Sigh. Well, it's always something,eh? Meanwhile, the quest to relocate to San Diego continues...

We Are Family

Yes, family. We all have one, and most of us realize we can't escape them if we tried. For the longest time, I avoided mine and never really enjoyed being with them, and this was mostly due to the many traumas that were inflicted on me while I was growing up. While I don't have any inclination to share what those are, I can only assume that these negative events had a lot to do with the lack of closeness I feel with any family member.

But now I'm older, and I have found my attitude changing towards my family. I owe this rethinking to two fairly recent experiencesn the last few years in which I observed what it's like to actually have that feeling of unity, though from an outsider's point of view: 1) when my husband's grandmother died, I saw his family come together to get through the ordeal of grieving and getting through the pain of losing a loved one, and 2)when a friend of mine turned 40 this year, I saw his family come out and celebrate with him. Both instances made me reevaulate my attitude towards my parents and my brothers.

I don't expect anything to really change that much with my family, but I find it interesting that I look at them in a different light. Love it or hate it, they are the source of who I am and where I started and who I'll turn to in the end. And, even though not one member acknowledged our 10th wedding anniversary and I didn't even get a card from my twin this year for our birthday, I'm not bothered. They'll be there when the time comes, and that is a reassuring thought despite it all.

Go Pistons!

Just got off the phone with Randy J., a friend of mine who moved to Los Angeles from Detroit many years ago. I got on AIM with him this morning just to say "Whoo hoo! Pistons!" and he ended up just calling me. It was good to hear from him - we haven't talked person to person in about a year, so it was unexpected for him to just phone me. I told him I had decided that basketball was my sport to get into, after taking my husband to a Pistons game last November for his birthday. This amused him -but he was also impressed by my wifely gesture, though he did follow his compliments with mock violent retching sounds. Very funny, Randog!

The Pistons victory was a welcome event after my band meeting. Yes, I went and broke some hearts again. It was interesting to see who ended up being the difficult one - my now ex-drummer was very disappointed with my decision and couldn't completely understand my reasons, whereas the guitarist did and helped the process along by being the calm and diplomatic one. It was still difficult to go over my reasons. It's always like breaking up with a lover - you have to say why you're unhappy and stick with your decision even though you know it's upsetting the other person. But I think I made the right move, and it was resolved to everyone's satisfaction. We will finish the CD, and we'll all have about 15 or so apiece to do with what we will, and if we end up having to order more...well, that would be a pleasant surprise. I emphasized that it had not been a waste of time and effort. If someone wanted to hook up with another project, they can use it to show other people what they're capable of. That seemed to satisfy everyone, and we also agreed that if any gigs came of it (the drummer plans to try and pursue some anyway) that we would all play the shows, but I wasn't obligated to be a member. So, it all turned out in the end with minimal tension. What a load off my mind!

It's so interesting how far I've come as far as my attitude towards this aspect of playing music. In the past I'd be completely devastated. Now I just move on to the next thing. I finally realized the world will continue to turn and the universe could care less about your musical pursuits. It's far more important to know that I have the ability to play, write songs and create for my own pleasure. I've worried too much about what other people think, I guess. Also, I've had this unfulfilled desire to be good at something, and I had always thought music was the thing that was going to make me feel like I had a place in the world. But it has always had an unpredictable, unforgiving nature, and has really only caused me a lot of grief if anything (at least in my mind). There are other things I can do, and there's no reason to rely on music alone for self-fulfillment.

Now I'm just excited to continue work on my solo bass thing, and I'm thinking I'll have a percussionist accompany me. I used to be in a group with this superb woman and ex-Playboy Bunny who seemed to be interested in doing a project with me - great conga player and just wonderful to work with. I'll try and give her a call sometime, or at least as I get closer to getting my shite together.

So much to do!

It's the end of the day, and as usual I think to myself that I really should have done this in the morning, when non-work related thoughts reigned supreme and work was still 15 miles away and at least 3 songs worth from the Scott Hamilton CD I currently have in my car. I need to change that - my husband put it in last time we were running errands, and I've just been too busy to change it for something of my own. And now this reminds me (somehow, as there's really no logical connection to my thought flow) that I should get looking for a new job.

I think it's because I mentioned my husband, which made me remember that last night I was helping him apply to some head hunter site. We're trying to escape Michigan, you see. We're tired of 8-month long winters, fleeting summers and much grumpiness in between. We've done our time, and have decided that it's crucial for us to relocate to San Diego. Hence, he's trying to find a job in the interior design industry out there, and I should try and do likewise though I feel I'm at a slight disadvantage. I never finished college, but I did manage to end up with a decent job as an office manager. I don't have that much as far as marketable skills, but it would be better than nothing - then again, I would gladly work at Sea World, too!

The future is ever a question. Right now I'm also in a bit of indecision about the band I'm in. Tonight we're supposed to "talk", and though I fear some kind of unplanned inquisition, I'm sure there's nothing to be anxious about. I've been through so many band break-ups, it hardly concerns me any more. I don't feel that any time was wasted in the past effort - I do feel that I'm limiting myself by playing with two people who aren't experienced musicians. And I don't mean to sound lofty and above them, but I have had some instances where it's been difficult to communicate because they just don't know what I'm talking about. But we'll see what happens tonight. If it gets tense, then so be it. I just don't like confrontational situations, so I hope it doesn't get like that. Bahala na! (come what may)

So It's Come to This

People seem to think that playing music is this glamorous thing that they wish they had the talent to do, and I suppose it is sometimes. I've had some good shows along with the bad, but mostly there's been the aspect of playing music that non-players aren't aware of: the tense band meetings, the creative differencse, the unpredictable temperament of fellow band members. All these things exist, and they are universal. Just ask any musician and if they've been playing a while, they can most likely give you several examples of each.

Which brings me to my current new venture. I've decided to do a solo bass/vocal thing that will hopefully be interesting enough for others to enjoy, and it will push me to develop my playing. Also - since I really haven't found the right people to play with yet, maybe it's time to go solo anyway.

I don't really know what will happen or if this will go over with anyone other than myself, but I'm getting old, and I need to try new things. And, I just got my first cake order for my other new venture - which I haven't named yet, but basically it's going to be a cake shop of sorts. That's still in the works, but it's good to know there's some immediate interest. There might be hope for me yet in finding my place in this world!

So I have to reflect on something that happened to me last week. There is a time in everyone's life, I think, when they realize that they and a good friend of many years have come to a point when they really don't have that much in common anymore, and perhaps it's time to have an informal parting of ways and come together again later in life, if destiny so ordained it. I sort of quietly came to this conclusion with someone in my life, and it did make me sad. We've known each other since high school, and he had ended up living in my area - so we never really lost touch with each other. But the last time I saw him, he didn't seem that concerned with connecting again, though I hadn't seen him in months. And I really didn't feel like making the effort either, it turned out. I just went home feeling a bit out of sorts, and a little forlorn.

But life goes on. I envision us crossing paths in a year, maybe at the market or at some random public place. Maybe then we'll remember each other, and everything that transpired before we parted ways, and recall that we were important to each other once. I'm sure if that happens, neither will acknowledge the lapse of time, and we'll carry on like true friends do. One can hope, anyway.

May 10, 2004: I, Blogger

You would think that a person who has been working at a website design company for over six years might have learned a little about things like blogging or putting up a website, but not in this case. I've just never been interested in the intricacies of website design. But after being introduced into the world of blogging via Bill VanLoo (co-worker), I figured - how hard could it be if it's all set up for me?

I've been warned through a friend about privacy, and I think he was intimating that I shouldn't get too personal with my entries. No problem there. I mean, this is public after all- while I might whine about things, I think they'll cover universal topics that many could relate to. I think my basic goals with this are having a place to write my observations on life, maybe throw some stories in (hot ones, dark ones, funny ones and maybe a sprinkle of strange here and there), and generally keep things light-hearted and interesting. And once I figure out how to get pictures in, there'll be no stopping me!

Hope you people that will be viewing this will be as amused as I'm going to be. Lord knows I need to be entertained, even if I have to do it myself.