So done with 2009

I heard there was a blue moon and a partial lunar eclipse last night. I know this because I've started to watch the news more regularly, which is a bit of a change in character for me. But change is definitely in the air - and has been - and perhaps the blue moon means good ones are on the way.

I continue to just keep going, as everyone else during these crazy, tiresomely rough times. I remind myself it's not so bad for me, and that it can certainly be worse. I also remind myself that it will most likely get worse, and that life will always be a series of ups and downs and any moment a new crisis could befall us. Perhaps that's cynical and jaded, but I think it's closer to just being realistic, older and wiser.

No crime in that. On to 2010!

The Blank Mind

Here's the truth of this blank mind problem: it's a lie.

First of all, your mind isn't blank. You're thinking about why you can't think of anything. This alone leads to wonder and anxiety, two mental states that are very productive in the area of random thought generation. What's wrong with me? Why can't I think of anything? I used to be good at this. I can clearly remember a time when this wasn't an issue, and now ...well, dangit, I just can't think of anything. Then the random thoughts eventually form into a cohesive idea, and that's when you realize, wow - my mind isn't blank anymore.

But it wasn't in the first place, which leads us back to sentence one. Or, you could just shrug off the project for the day and go read on the porch. Now, that's the best idea you've had all day. Alright then - off with you.

Open

My wrists seem more fragile these days. When I go to do push-ups, they actually hurt, and I can't figure out why except that perhaps I just have to admit that I'm getting older. By the second, actually. With each passing moment that I breathe. Perhaps I need to take calcium tablets. Probably. But the thought of having to take another daily form of medication makes me cringe. What's next? Blood pressure pills? Anti-inflammatory ointments?

It's true. Youth is wasted on the young. We just didn't know what we had. Then we start noticing little things, like guests leaving a party. Instead of taking note, we continue our reckless journey and keep walking into the sun, and then we realize too late that we should have stopped to take note of where we were and what the hell were we thinking.

Alas, what a shame.

Alter Ego

I'm very close to becoming a chain smoking alcoholic. The only problem is, I really don't drink that much, but in my mind I'm a character from Barfly (a movie I've actually never seen, but you get the picture). I'm sitting on a wobbly bar stool, hunched over a fresh Bushmill's on the rocks. I'm pacing myself now because the night is still young, and I drank my first two way too fast. Now it's time to let that happy wave die down, just for a moment, then work on keeping myself in a nice state of numb bliss, ignorance reigning supreme. I'll be unaware of most things soon, except the poor individual who decides to sit next to me whom I'll pounce on with something like,"Whadda crappy night out, eh? Good thing we're in here. Ain't no better place to stay warm then Alberta's." And maybe they'll talk back. But most times, they don't, and I'm back to nursing my whiskey.

Crazy or Bold?

Sometimes booze can bring out the brashest conversations. The other night my husband and I were enjoying a rare night on the town and imbibing in our favorite alcoholic beverages, and the conversation turned to our current financial situation. I'm currently jobless and receiving benefits, and he feels that any moment he could be joining me. So what to do?

He said maybe we just gotta be crazier. Of course, this all sounds exciting and sensible when you're drunk (statements like "Hey, we should ask that guy if that's his date or his mother" also sound like good ideas) but I did agree with him. Times like this call for some crazy thinking, and so we continued our drunken brainstorming session. Eventually the final conclusion was to keep pursuing opening a business, which meant my baking business which I currently do out of the house. Accept what needs to be done to accomplish this goal, and do it.

Hoo, boy. Easier said than done. For one thing, the whole writing a business plan process is really daunting. But, we might just be crazy enough to do it. Or bold, whichever you like. I think I prefer bold - it seems to hint at a little more foresight and planning than crazy.

Crazy I save for other things, like putting a band together in a week and a half and playing a gig at a place that no one knows about and possibly getting absolutely no pay for it. Now that's some insane for ya!

An Observation on Value

The other day, I walked into Vogue Vintage, a newish vintage store near my house. It was probably the best example of this kind of merchandise that I've seen so far, and I told the owner so. This pleased him, and he confessed that he had some level of attachment to everything he had acquired to sell. This I could actually feel as I looked around - so many things you'd love to just keep. The furniture was in mint condition, as well as every knick knack that was tastefully displayed. Everything just had something to say, something nice and agreeable and fun.

I then came upon a parrot comb, which was on consignment for $150. It was stunning, but it didn't appear to be made of alabaster or rare wood of any kind. It was red and black, a stenciled sort of design parrot silhouettes. I asked him why it was $150, and he said that's what the woman wanted for it. A plastic comb was all it was, with quite a price.

Perhaps she didn't really want to sell it, I thought. But she's going through hard times and she has to sell some things, but in the back of her mind she wants this parrot comb to come back to her because it is special in some way. And so I thought of how people put value on things, on personal items, and eventually wondered how we put a value on ourselves. Like the parrot comb, we can be as valuable as we want to make ourselves - priceless, even. People can be like a vintage chartreuse coffee table with built in coasters. Made only once, and never again. IKEA might be able to make a copy but it would never be like the original.

We are all the original thing, so price yourself accordingly. You're worth every penny.

One Word

One thing to remember when creating anything is to forget about fame or success when you're in the process. I'd say it's probably the worst block to actually going ahead with any artistic venture. I can't even count the times I've just sat there wondering if what I was about to write was good enough to even commit to the screen. And so what do I get? A blank screen.

You can't let your life be a white expanse of nothing waiting to be filled. Put something there, even if it's just a word. And what would that word be, you ask?

Live.