Here I Am!

So here’s where I am at forty.

I had no sisters, but I have found many to fill that need in my life. I have been a wanderer, a rock star, a mistress, a lover. I’ve hung out with hippies, Christians, Jews, Buddhists and atheists. I have friends I’ve known for 20 years who are still in my life, and new friends I’ve just met that I know are going to stick around. And I have old friends who have gone a separate path from mine for whatever reason, and I feel I will not see them again.

The point is to embrace what’s here and now, who wants to be in your life and forgive and forget those that have gone away. I think a friend of mine put it well at the party last night – he said when you’re forty, you finally start to live in the moment. And I might just be ready to do that.

It was probably the best birthday ever – Friday was spent being pampered at the spa, cleansing myself of the last bits of accumulated regret and sadness under a Vichy shower. Saturday was all about the big party, and wondering if anyone would actually show up. They showed up alright – at least half the people that were invited, and that filled the house to the brim with a whole lotta love, just for me. So it just goes to show, I have made a difference in peoples’ lives. I couldn’t have asked for a better birthday, basking in the friendship of all the individuals that have been part of my life so far, and having access to my favorite foods and booze aplenty.

Last night I knew where I belonged and who I could truly call friend. And knowing that has given me such a feeling of peace in my heart that I’ve never known before. I hope to keep this feeling close to my soul at all times. With it, I’m sure to get through the second half of my life just fine.

3 More Days

I'm actually finding it easier to tell people how old I'm going to be. It's something, right?

Today I don't have any profound epiphanies about turning 40. I suspect it will be just as I've been warned - just another day in my life, only my friends will be there and I'll get presents. And I can't wait for the funny cards. The ones I've seen going to other people before me are now destined to be on the mantle, like little cardboard cheerleaders waiting to brighten my special day.

Tomorrow I'm getting a day at the spa, which should be quite lovely. I've earned some pampering, that's for sure. The future scares me, so I might as well make each moment as enjoyable as possible.

Forty is definitely not seen as it used to be, or at least when I was little. Forty was old. Forty was almost dead. If thirty wasn't some far away island that you felt you'd never get to, then forty was another planet altogether. But now I'm closing in, and I can see the shore just ahead. What new adventures await me in this unexplored land? What monstrous turmoils will I be overcoming? At least I know which ones are worth losing sleep over. It's getting better - just a few more things to sort out and then I might actually be content, or at least not so neurotic. We can only hope.

More Pre-40 Musings

I've been thinking about my friends, and everyone I've known thus far. Some people I haven't known that long, yet we share a profound understanding of each other. And others I've known quite a while, yet we have never completely undressed ourselves and stood before each other's mirror. It's strange to me now. Perhaps it just means that some friends will always retain a mystery about them, and some people will never bring out every bit of my truth.

I accept this with a little bit of sadness, but it is what it is. The other sadness is generated by the friends that just faded away, either due to relocation geographically or they just became other people that I didn't expect to not have anything in common with at some point. This has been another lesson in my life so far. When too much time passes without contact, people become strangers, and soon you avoid them in the market if you happen to cross paths. Once you laughed with them, called them regularly, shared inside jokes. Now they're ghosts in the back of your mind.

So I cherish the ones that have stuck around, and the ones I feel are in for the long haul. You know the ones - they're like great conversations you were having that you start again, no matter how much time has passed. Their whole being lights up when they see you, and yours does as well. You laugh and say the silly things that always got you both going, and you feel like you can handle life after all once you've left their company. These are the people I want to keep close to me, for as many years as possible. They have kept me strong and constantly reminded me of who I am, and never let me forget why I'm as wonderful to them as they are to me. They are life, and they keep me living.

I would love to keep everyone, but people leave, or they disappoint you and you are compelled to dismiss them. Effort is made yet they insist on going their path, and all you can do is cherish the part of your life you shared with them. You watch them leave your peripheral vision and abruptly disappear. Then you take a hearty swig of life and hope the next drink is a little sweeter.

The Road to 40, Part I

A friend of mine encouraged me to write my thoughts about the upcoming transition I'm about to experience, so here goes.

I noticed I said "transition". Then I realized every moment of life is a transition, so getting to this special age won't be any different than anything else I've gone through. Nonetheless, certain recurring thoughts and themes seem to be surfacing as I march bravely towards March 16. I can identify them as questions, for the most part.

QUESTION #1: WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE?
This is pretty common. People get to milestones in their lives, and they begin to ponder their accomplishments, if any. At 20, you're not so concerned, at 30 you start to think about it, and at 40 you realize you probably should have been thinking about it 15 years ago. A little late in the game now, wouldn't you say? Here you are, swirling your Drambui in front of the fireplace of discontent and now you're thinking about making your mark in the world. Nice. Way to plan for the future.

QUESTION #2: WHAT WAS I THINKING???
Look, everyone is young once. They do stupid things, make foolish decisions. The point is, you learned from these diabolically idiotic adventures/sordid boyfriends/poor choice of company to be drunk in front of, etc. You're not to blame and you don't have to pay for your petty personal crimes the rest of your life. You wouldn't be the person you are now if you hadn't made mistakes and survived them. Well, so far, anyway. Nothing a new identity can't fix, right?

QUESTION #3: WHY DIDN'T I?
This question basically refers to perceived missed opportunities, and covers all sorts of things that coulda, shoulda, woulda happened if only you had made the right choice at the time. The problem is, you don't know what could, shoulda, woulda happened. You couldn't have. You reacted to the circumstances and made a choice, and that's that. Now deal with what life dished you, and put a little extra gravy on it if you have to.

I can't go back in time, and if I could, what would I change? Which aspect of my life would I have altered and would I have been happier? I really don't know. The past is nothing to mess with - I wouldn't want the butterfly effect on my conscience. There are things I do know, though. I know what I'm capable of and I know a little more about what I want in life, which are two things that eluded me for years. So I think at this point all I need to do is keep going forward and believe that everything will start to get more focused, and at the end of the road I'll be where I want to be or at least happy where I've landed. Hopefully, that will be on my two feet, upright and solid in who I've become.