The Road to 40, Part I

A friend of mine encouraged me to write my thoughts about the upcoming transition I'm about to experience, so here goes.

I noticed I said "transition". Then I realized every moment of life is a transition, so getting to this special age won't be any different than anything else I've gone through. Nonetheless, certain recurring thoughts and themes seem to be surfacing as I march bravely towards March 16. I can identify them as questions, for the most part.

QUESTION #1: WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE?
This is pretty common. People get to milestones in their lives, and they begin to ponder their accomplishments, if any. At 20, you're not so concerned, at 30 you start to think about it, and at 40 you realize you probably should have been thinking about it 15 years ago. A little late in the game now, wouldn't you say? Here you are, swirling your Drambui in front of the fireplace of discontent and now you're thinking about making your mark in the world. Nice. Way to plan for the future.

QUESTION #2: WHAT WAS I THINKING???
Look, everyone is young once. They do stupid things, make foolish decisions. The point is, you learned from these diabolically idiotic adventures/sordid boyfriends/poor choice of company to be drunk in front of, etc. You're not to blame and you don't have to pay for your petty personal crimes the rest of your life. You wouldn't be the person you are now if you hadn't made mistakes and survived them. Well, so far, anyway. Nothing a new identity can't fix, right?

QUESTION #3: WHY DIDN'T I?
This question basically refers to perceived missed opportunities, and covers all sorts of things that coulda, shoulda, woulda happened if only you had made the right choice at the time. The problem is, you don't know what could, shoulda, woulda happened. You couldn't have. You reacted to the circumstances and made a choice, and that's that. Now deal with what life dished you, and put a little extra gravy on it if you have to.

I can't go back in time, and if I could, what would I change? Which aspect of my life would I have altered and would I have been happier? I really don't know. The past is nothing to mess with - I wouldn't want the butterfly effect on my conscience. There are things I do know, though. I know what I'm capable of and I know a little more about what I want in life, which are two things that eluded me for years. So I think at this point all I need to do is keep going forward and believe that everything will start to get more focused, and at the end of the road I'll be where I want to be or at least happy where I've landed. Hopefully, that will be on my two feet, upright and solid in who I've become.